Everything comes to an end, though. And I'm not sure I am ready to accept it.
Гимназията се оказа не толкова гадно място, колкото очаквах. Big surprise, I know. Намерих супер яки хора. Започнах да разбирам повече за себе си и за другите около мен. Това, което мислех за света се промени изцяло и не знам дали това ми харесва или не. Но общо взето съм си същото объркано същество от 2011, което намираше утеха в blogger.
Все още не разбирам напълно какво значи това, че съм завършила. Не се чувствам по-мъдра, зряла или готова за живота като цяло. Вчера, като никога, си изревах очите, защото осъзнах, че хората, които ми станаха по-близки от семейство, няма да са вече в класната стая, няма да ги виждам във всеки възможен момент. Вече ми липсват ужасно много, а все още имаме няколко месеца, в които искрено се надявам да се виждаме. Но също така днес разбрах колко е важно да срещнеш такива хора. Да си готов на наистина всичко за някой е неописуемо чувство. Може би точно това е щастието, към което се стремя. Да знаеш, че има някой, готов да те подкрепи, без значение от обстоятелствата. :) Въпреки че сме се карали много, и на моменти не сме се понасяли, сме успели да оставим това зад гърба си и сме останали близки.
За мен беше истинско удоволствие да уча в 18 СОУ. Да, учителите ни натягаха да учим до последния ден от 12ти клас, но мисля, че си заслужаваше. Въпреки че не си давах много зор, пак успях. Завърших. Край и едно голямо благодаря на всички, които направиха годините там такова приключение.
Най-странното е, че дори на матурата не гледах като на важен изпит, ами по-скоро на тест, от който почти нищо не зависи. Denial is a thing apparently. Също така на изпращането и на бала не се чувствах тъжна точно по тази причина. Отказвах да приема, че някой ме кара да напусна онова познато място, което играеше ролята на safe place за мен.. Не че не обичам промяната, но факта, че трябва да оставя едни от най-важните хора в живота ми зад гърба ме ужасява.
*off topic: Нещо, което открих тази година за себе си е това, че имам нужда от нещо за правене, защото в противен случай започвам да затъвам. Започвам да губя желание за живот, започвам да мисля повече и да се съмнявам все повече в себе си и във възможностите си, което не води до нищо хубаво, разбира се. Но също така осъзнах, че мога много повече, отколкото мисля. *
Но същевременно съм щастлива, че живота е пред мен. Ще уча в Англия, btw. И нямам търпение да замина, но също така не искам да оставям това, което имам тук. Но нямам особено голям избор, пък и може и да е хубаво да се измъкна от ежедневието и да си създам ново. Да видя и аз свят :D Много ми е интересно какви хора ще срещна там и дали ще си допаднем, н също така много ме е страх от неизвестното.
Извинявам се, че този пост загуби смисъла си още в началото, но какво да се прави. Поне мислите в главата ми започват да се нареждат. Е, пожелавам си едно изпълнено с емоции лято, което да помня цял живот.
Криси
5/26/2016
1/02/2016
Hi.
In the past couple months I have discovered a lot of things that I guess I was not ready to accept about myself and the ones around me. I found out that I have been spiraling downwards with the speed of light. Also I realized that I am constantly lonely but value my alone time all too much for my own good. Everyone I love goes to their hometown and leaves me stay here in this stupid grey city. And yes, I do have unresolved abandonment issues.
I found out that I hate staying in my house when my parents are home. Not that I do not love them but I know that 1)they will never accept who I am. 2)my mom is way too attached to me while I have never felt a connection with her. 3)I honestly am bothered by their presence and feel like an animal in a cage when they are seated around me which I do know is ridiculous but cannot change that overwhelming feeling. 4)they never EVER leave me alone in my room and apparently never understood knocking as a concept.
So unsurprisingly I spent the holidays at home with the parents. Christmas was nice and chill but when I had to stay at home for New Years I wanted to cry. And I am far from exaggerating. This is so far the worst and most boring night and this is not the worst part. After it both my mom and my dad asked me if I enjoyed it and that they had so much fun. And I had to lie as usual. Fuck. I hate lying to them but for some topics I do not really have a choice. Additionally, I know that in nine months I will go to university and I know that my mother will probably not handle my absence very well. And I hate the fact that I can not be myself in front of them because I am a sucker for acceptance and fucking empathy.
Also the friends issue.. This is a problem I found in the beginning of the summer vacation actually. That I grow so close to some people that I develop a sort of addiction to them and need to see them as much as possible. And I guess this can relate to the fact that I am excessively lonely and need other people's validation to feel whole. But then I did not pay that much attention to that. However once the winter vacation came close I started to grow more and more anxious about whether I will be able to handle two weeks basically abandoned by my friends. Also there was the fun factor. They were going to be having amazing parties and get-together's and I did not even have anyone to go out with. At first I was so grumpy and weird but after a couple days I came to the realization that the family I have chosen for myself was much more important than the people that actually created me. And yes, I do understand that this is an awful thing to say but in my case it is true as much as I wish for it to not be.
Also there is something else which I am still not ready to talk about. The hell, I am not even ready to admit it to myself but that is whole different story. Even just writing this has gotten me in a state where my palms are sweating and my heart is pounding. It is ridiculous and pathetic of me but sadly I value others' opinion way too much. Sorry. When I am ready to share I will, I promise.
On a brighter note, I have spent the last week reading various fanfictions and rereading some as well. Also I started watching Arrow and Orphan Black and the Blacklist and oh my, the last one is a serious mind fuck. I love all of them so far and hope nothing bad happens to my favorite characters.
Finally, I will talk about the future and all the shit it brings. First of all sorry this is in English, but I couldn't even start in Bulgarian so I am just rolling with it. Also I got my first conditional offer from an UK university and I have mixed feelings about it. Like yes, I would love to go there meet people, have fun and even just studying sounds appealing. But how am I supposed to leave all my friends back here? Am I going to be the same person there that I am here? Will I make actual friends? Will I like the vibe and surroundings? I still do not have any answers for those questions or even a vague idea of what I want to do in the future but as the language change this may be for the best I guess.
Also, 2016, please be less full of shit.
Kristina
In the past couple months I have discovered a lot of things that I guess I was not ready to accept about myself and the ones around me. I found out that I have been spiraling downwards with the speed of light. Also I realized that I am constantly lonely but value my alone time all too much for my own good. Everyone I love goes to their hometown and leaves me stay here in this stupid grey city. And yes, I do have unresolved abandonment issues.
I found out that I hate staying in my house when my parents are home. Not that I do not love them but I know that 1)they will never accept who I am. 2)my mom is way too attached to me while I have never felt a connection with her. 3)I honestly am bothered by their presence and feel like an animal in a cage when they are seated around me which I do know is ridiculous but cannot change that overwhelming feeling. 4)they never EVER leave me alone in my room and apparently never understood knocking as a concept.
So unsurprisingly I spent the holidays at home with the parents. Christmas was nice and chill but when I had to stay at home for New Years I wanted to cry. And I am far from exaggerating. This is so far the worst and most boring night and this is not the worst part. After it both my mom and my dad asked me if I enjoyed it and that they had so much fun. And I had to lie as usual. Fuck. I hate lying to them but for some topics I do not really have a choice. Additionally, I know that in nine months I will go to university and I know that my mother will probably not handle my absence very well. And I hate the fact that I can not be myself in front of them because I am a sucker for acceptance and fucking empathy.
Also the friends issue.. This is a problem I found in the beginning of the summer vacation actually. That I grow so close to some people that I develop a sort of addiction to them and need to see them as much as possible. And I guess this can relate to the fact that I am excessively lonely and need other people's validation to feel whole. But then I did not pay that much attention to that. However once the winter vacation came close I started to grow more and more anxious about whether I will be able to handle two weeks basically abandoned by my friends. Also there was the fun factor. They were going to be having amazing parties and get-together's and I did not even have anyone to go out with. At first I was so grumpy and weird but after a couple days I came to the realization that the family I have chosen for myself was much more important than the people that actually created me. And yes, I do understand that this is an awful thing to say but in my case it is true as much as I wish for it to not be.
Also there is something else which I am still not ready to talk about. The hell, I am not even ready to admit it to myself but that is whole different story. Even just writing this has gotten me in a state where my palms are sweating and my heart is pounding. It is ridiculous and pathetic of me but sadly I value others' opinion way too much. Sorry. When I am ready to share I will, I promise.
On a brighter note, I have spent the last week reading various fanfictions and rereading some as well. Also I started watching Arrow and Orphan Black and the Blacklist and oh my, the last one is a serious mind fuck. I love all of them so far and hope nothing bad happens to my favorite characters.
Finally, I will talk about the future and all the shit it brings. First of all sorry this is in English, but I couldn't even start in Bulgarian so I am just rolling with it. Also I got my first conditional offer from an UK university and I have mixed feelings about it. Like yes, I would love to go there meet people, have fun and even just studying sounds appealing. But how am I supposed to leave all my friends back here? Am I going to be the same person there that I am here? Will I make actual friends? Will I like the vibe and surroundings? I still do not have any answers for those questions or even a vague idea of what I want to do in the future but as the language change this may be for the best I guess.
Also, 2016, please be less full of shit.
Kristina
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