Hi.
In the past couple months I have discovered a lot of things that I guess I was not ready to accept about myself and the ones around me. I found out that I have been spiraling downwards with the speed of light. Also I realized that I am constantly lonely but value my alone time all too much for my own good. Everyone I love goes to their hometown and leaves me stay here in this stupid grey city. And yes, I do have unresolved abandonment issues.

I found out that I hate staying in my house when my parents are home. Not that I do not love them but I know that 1)they will never accept who I am. 2)my mom is way too attached to me while I have never felt a connection with her. 3)I honestly am bothered by their presence and feel like an animal in a cage when they are seated around me which I do know is ridiculous but cannot change that overwhelming feeling. 4)they never EVER leave me alone in my room and apparently never understood knocking as a concept.
So unsurprisingly I spent the holidays at home with the parents. Christmas was nice and chill but when I had to stay at home for New Years I wanted to cry. And I am far from exaggerating. This is so far the worst and most boring night and this is not the worst part. After it both my mom and my dad asked me if I enjoyed it and that they had so much fun. And I had to lie as usual. Fuck. I hate lying to them but for some topics I do not really have a choice. Additionally, I know that in nine months I will go to university and I know that my mother will probably not handle my absence very well. And I hate the fact that I can not be myself in front of them because I am a sucker for acceptance and fucking empathy.

Also the friends issue.. This is a problem I found in the beginning of the summer vacation actually. That I grow so close to some people that I develop a sort of addiction to them and need to see them as much as possible. And I guess this can relate to the fact that I am excessively lonely and need other people's validation to feel whole. But then I did not pay that much attention to that. However once the winter vacation came close I started to grow more and more anxious about whether I will be able to handle two weeks basically abandoned by my friends. Also there was the fun factor. They were going to be having amazing parties and get-together's and I did not even have anyone to go out with. At first I was so grumpy and weird but after a couple days I came to the realization that the family I have chosen for myself was much more important than the people that actually created me. And yes, I do understand that this is an awful thing to say but in my case it is true as much as I wish for it to not be.

Also there is something else which I am still not ready to talk about. The hell, I am not even ready to admit it to myself but that is whole different story. Even just writing this has gotten me in a state where my palms are sweating and my heart is pounding. It is ridiculous and pathetic of me but sadly I value others' opinion way too much. Sorry. When I am ready to share I will, I promise.

On a brighter note, I have spent the last week reading various fanfictions and rereading some as well. Also I started watching Arrow and Orphan Black and the Blacklist and oh my, the last one is a serious mind fuck. I love all of them so far and hope nothing bad happens to my favorite characters.

Finally, I will talk about the future and all the shit it brings. First of all sorry this is in English, but I couldn't even start in Bulgarian so I am just rolling with it. Also I got my first conditional offer from an UK university and I have mixed feelings about it. Like yes, I would love to go there meet people, have fun and even just studying sounds appealing. But how am I supposed to leave all my friends back here? Am I going to be the same person there that I am here? Will I make actual friends? Will I like the vibe and surroundings? I still do not have any answers for those questions or even a vague idea of what I want to do in the future but as the language change this may be for the best I guess.

Also, 2016, please be less full of shit.

Kristina